


Non Esse (Not to be)

by Slaskia



Series: From Grief to Revenge [1]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Anxiety, Character Death, F/M, Romantic Fluff, Sad Ending, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 11:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13029963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slaskia/pseuds/Slaskia
Summary: Starscream and Quickwing have their Conjunx Endra ceremony soon, but Starscream is having trouble deciding who to invite to it.  Then Quickwing fails to return home after going out on patrol....





	Non Esse (Not to be)

_Era:  Golden Age_

_Vos_  

Starscream rapped a claw against his chin, deep in thought, his optics focused intently on the pad in his other hand.  He leaned forward on the couch, his forearms resting on his legs.  In front of him, on the table, was a half empty glass of energon.  It _was_ warm, but it had cooled to room temperature long ago, his attention having been focused on the task at hand. 

He had to get this done…he only had three joors left!  These needed to be sent out at least two joors ahead of time!  The location, the day, the time.  That had been so easy to decide upon.  Not even the little speech they planned to give to hopefully ‘guilt’ the High Council into having a certain ‘device’ removed from his chest cavity hadn’t taken long.  This damn invitation list though!  _Never thought deciding on who to invite would be so difficult!_  

His Wingmen were a given, though he may have to lightly sedate Skywarp to ensure the idiot doesn’t ruin things.  Winglord Zephyr was a definate.  It was who _else_ to include that was giving him problems!  Would Orion be interested?  Maybe not, that poor data clerk was probably up in his audio’s keeping up with all the new developments.  He probably wouldn’t recognize him anymore anyway.  _Though perhaps if I sent his invitation in-_  

“Starscream!”  His spark lept for joy at the sound of that voice.  Keening happily, he turned to see his conjunx-to-be, Quickwing.  The tall, green and black seeker was in the threshold of the living room, hands on her hips shaking her head.  “Are you still fiddling with that list?  I told you I don’t want your whole _legion_ to attend!” 

“Oh, don’t worry, dear spark,” he replied with a smile.  “The list is small.” 

“Define _small_ ,” Quickwing teased as she walked behind him and pulled him back against the couch before slipping her hands down his chest.  Starscream purred lightly at her touch, closing his optics.  “If think small is relative to the size of your _ego_ than we have a problem.” He chuckled and showed her the list, still not opening his optics.  “OK, I’m impressed.  This _is_ small...perhaps too small.” 

“Then _you_ can decide who else to invite, darling,” Starscream challenged.  “Be only fair, after all.” 

“Alright then, how about…Silverdive.” 

Starscream’s face immediately soured, as he opened his optics to look at her.  “Don’t even _joke_ ,” he sneered.  Silverdive was her Air Commander and he and Starscream and a rather nasty rivalry that had started almost the moment Starscream had set foot into the Air Academy. 

“Well…it’s not like he’d come anyway,” Quickwing snorted dismissively.  “I’d only invite him just to stick it to him anyway…and to ensure the Winglord didn’t ask why I didn’t at least _invite_ my commanding officer.” 

“I am quite certain Zephyr would understand _completely_ why not,” Starscream assured her.  This talk of Silverdive was seriously dampening his mood, so he decided to change the subject to something much more _pleasant_. 

Quickwing was currently leaning over him, her delightful neck just within reach.  So, he arched up and licked it with his glossa.  She made this cute startled yelp.  “Star!”  she scolded.  “I’m trying to focus on this!” 

“How about focusing on something more _interesting_ ,” he teased huskily.  “Like me?” 

“You glitch.” 

“But I’m _your_ glitch!” He wagged his brows. 

“Technically not yet,” she looked down at him with a teasing smile.  “But soon.”  Quickwing then bent down and gave him a kiss on the lips.  He reached up and pulled her into a deeper one, granted it was upside down but he didn’t care.  It didn’t take long before she had put down the pad and slipped over the back of the couch so they were facing properly. 

And not long after _that_ before they had plugged in and were racing to see who could get the other to overload first. 

\-- 

 _Next morning_  

This was how he wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of his life.  Curled up next to his sweetspark, still feeling the slight buzz from multiple overloads.  Starscream sighed with contentment as he snuggled up against her, purring as she wrapped her arms around him.  He looked at her face and saw her looking back at him with those lovely yellow optics, content smile on her face.  He smiled in turn and shifted up so he could kiss her.  She accepted, but the moment he started letting his hands roam across her chassis she stopped him. 

“Oh no you don’t, you overload fiend,” she giggled as she pulled away from him and sat up.  “I have patrol in two breems.” 

“Aw…,” Starscream whined as he sat up in the berth, then proceeded to preen her wings.  “So, what’s the patrol today?” 

“The Tarn border.”  There was no hint of worry in her voice, but Starscream still tensed.  Relations between Vos and Tarn have become strained as of late.  Strained enough that a few skirmishes had already happened at the border, which was likely why they were doing patrols in the first place. 

“Not alone, I hope….” he grumbled.  Lately Silverdive had been making her do lone patrols, most likely just to erk them. 

“Unfortunately, so.”  This time there _was_ worry in her tone. 

“Is Silverdive glitching?” Starscream growled, his wings twitching.  “Border patrols are _never_ to be done alone!” 

“He _claims_ that since I’m the fastest seeker I should be fine.”  He could _hear_ her optic roll on that. 

“I could have one of my seekers shadow you…just in case,” he offered as he finished and they traded places so she could starting preening him. 

“You know it’s against protocol to interfere with another Air Commander’s command, Star,” she reminded him softly. 

“I think the Winglord would agree with me that Silverdive is being reckless with his seekers,” Starscream countered with a huff. _Frag, I know that slaggard is deliberately just sitting on the transfer paperwork._   He wanted Quickwing so badly out from under Silverdive’s command, especially considering the risks he’s been putting her in lately. 

“Yes, but _you_ can’t afford any negative marks on your record right now.  Especially if we want to finally convince that stupid High Council to allow you to get that-“  She reached down over his shoulder to tap his chest panel. “Removed.” 

Stasrcream sighed: she had a point.  Getting this spark shield removed was one of his top priorities.  Unfortunately, it required permission from the High Council, whom had so far denied every request and with no explanation on why given.  He hoped to at least _get_ an explanation this time, though permission for removal was far more preferable.  It’s a little hard to have a proper conjunx endra when you can’t do a sparkmeld with your Conjunx!  

“Just…be careful…,” he sighed as she finished and they both stood up.  “Call me if anything happens, alright?” 

“I will, my love.” 

“Promise?”  He gave her his best cute look. 

“Oh, you….”  She pulled him into a hug, Starscream giggling with glee as he hugged her in turn.  “I promise…and stop acting like a sparkling…Primus you’re a grown bot!” 

“But it’s so effective!” he protested.  “Can you imagine if _everyone_ acted like sparkling?” 

“Oh Primus… _nothing_ would ever get done!” 

“But our days would be full of fun and energon treats!” 

Quickwing sighed and shook her head.  “You are a big sparkling, you know that?” 

“Only when around you, sweety!” He flashed her a big grin. 

“And actual sparklings,” she corrected, to which he giggled.  It was no secret to her, or anyone really, that he liked to spend time with sparklings whenever he got a chance.  “If we ever become caretakers, I bet you will spoil them _rotten_!” 

“Well one of us would have to the _fun_ caretaker.”  He emitted another giggle as he nuzzled her chest..  Quickwing rolled her optics, though she was smiling. 

“I better get going,” she stated, letting him go, then exiting the berthroom, Starscream following her. He watched her add a couple of names to the invitation list before heading for the door.  

“Not going to have energon with me, first?” he asked. 

“No time, got a couple of briefings before the patrol.  Sorry love.”  They gave each other a quick kiss.  “I’ll see you tonight. Love you. 

“I love you too, Quicky.”  He flashed her a mischievous grin, knowing she didn’t like being called that.  She gave him a mock sour look, then stuck out her glossa at him before disappearing out the door. 

Starscream sighed, fluttering his wings.  He was a bit disappointed he didn’t get to have at least _one_ overload before she left, but oh well.  There’s was always tonight.  For now, he had his own duties to attend to. 

Like that fragging list! 

\-- 

 _That night_  

He paced the living room, checking his chronometer.  Quickwing was late.  She was never late…at least not without warning him beforehand.  Starscream’s wings flicked and twitched as he became more and more anxious. 

A hand raised, stopping just before his comm button, considering.  He wanted to call her private line, but to do so while she was potentially still on duty was against protocol unless it was an emergency.  Being a nervous wreck didn’t classify as an emergency.  _Be a good bot._ _Have some patience…something…just came up and she wasn’t able to call…like being in a dead zone or something.  Yeah…that…must be it…._  

Starscream sighed and forced himself to go to their berthroom and lay down on the berth.  It felt so cold and empty without her there.  She’ll be back by morning.  He was sure of it. 

Somehow, he managed to fall into recharge. 

\-- 

 _Next morning_  

She wasn’t there when he woke up. 

Damn protocols!  He was calling her!  “Quickwing, it’s Starscream,” he called the private line, trying to the anxiety out of his voice.  “Is everything alright?” 

There was no response.  Only static. 

Getting frantic, he kept trying.  Over and over again.  She had to be alright.  She had to be OK!  

“Hey Boss!” 

Starscream screeched and leapt clear onto some shelving.  When his spark was back in its chamber where it belonged, he looked down to see a familiar black and purple seeker, whom looked rather shocked at his Commander’s reaction.  “Skywarp!” he hissed.  “How many times have I told you not to just _warp_ into bot’s homes!” 

“’Unless it’s an emergency’ you said,” Skywarp corrected him. 

Starscream was immediately reminded on the reason _why_ Skywarp was able to startle him so easily this time.  “Is it one?” he asked, his tone anxious as he slipped back down on the floor. 

Skywarp looked at him with a concerned look.  “In a way:  there was a last-minute schedule change.  We’re supposed to be on patrol at the Tarn border in a half-breem.” 

Starscream blinked.  That had been Quickwing’s patrol yesterday.  “Why?  Did something happen?”  He was barely able to keep the desperation he was feeling out of his tone. 

At that, his Wingman shrugged.  “Wasn’t given that info, Boss.  Sorry.” 

“Fine. Let me fuel up first.”  He stiffly walked over to the dispenser and poured himself a glass.  Starscream drained it in one gulp, then poured a second.  Skywarp was watching him carefully. 

“Is everything OK, Boss?” he asked.  “You seem a bit tense….” 

“Rough night,” Starscream sighed as he drank the second glass before dropping it into the washer. 

“Fight with the misses?” He was asked as he walked by him, toward the door. 

Starscream paused and sighed, before looking back at him.  “I wish….”  He left it at that. 

\-- 

 _Later_.. 

They flew in a loose formation.  Skywarp and Thundercracker were up front, while he and Jetfire stayed back.  Skywarp was goofing off, like usual, cracking bad jokes, trying to get them to laugh.  Thankfully, both Thundercrack and Jetfire were focused on what they were supposed to be doing out here:  looking for potential problems. 

Starscream however, was distracted.  He kept thinking about Quickwing and how now they were flying the same patrol she did before she disappeared.  _Come one, Star…it hasn’t been a full cycle yet._   _Not even long enough to file a missing bot report_.  He kept fearing he would see her grey corpse out here… 

//Starscream.\\\  His engine nearly stalled at the call.  It was Jetfire, over his private line.  //What’s wrong?\\\ 

“Quickwing…,” he replied, more willing to admit his problems to his best friend than to a blabber mouth like Skywarp.  “She didn’t come home last night.  Still wasn’t back this morning either.  This was her patrol yesterday….” 

Jetfire was quiet a moment.  //Perhaps her commander had more duties for her?\\\ Jetfire suggested. 

“She would have told me…she promised she would.,” Starscream insisted.  “She always called if she was going to be late…always….” 

//I’m sure she’s fine, Starscream.\\\ Jetfire reassured him. 

“I hope so too….” 

They continued on in silence, though Starscream eventually told Skywarp to knock it off and focus.  It was actually Skywarp that noticed something odd first during the third loop on the route.  He and Thundercracker flew down to investigate while Starscream and Jetfire flew tight loops around the area in case of ambush.  

It was a small cluster of old ruins that looked recently disturbed.  Later he would reflect on how they could have missed it during the first two passes.  Likely due to the angle of the sun or the slight variation to their flight path.  Not that it would have made any difference. 

Thundercracker gave them the all clear signal.  Starscream and Jetfire transformed and landed close by as Skywarp went into the ruins themselves.  “What is it?” Starscream asked. 

“Spilled energon,” Thundercrack replied, grimly.  He was pointing at a trail of the stuff that lead into the ruins.  “Looks like a fight happened here.” 

Starscream felt his spark sink, his mind immediately thinking the worse.  He forced himself to think logically.  A quick scan of the outside area showed no bodies, or parts of one.  That give him _some_ relief.  Only some.  “Bot or animal?” 

“Don’t know yet, Commander. ‘Warp’s checking.” 

Suddenly Skywarp ran out, looking like he was about to purge.  Whatever it was he saw, must have been bad.  “Skywarp?”  Starscream asked, coming closer.  Behind him the other two followed.  “What is it?” 

“You don’t what to see this, Commander!”  the black and purple seeker pleaded. 

He called him ‘Commander’:  Skywarp _never_ called him that.  he always used ‘Boss’ or some bastardized short version of his name.  This had to be serious.  His processor was telling him to heed his Wingman, to not go further.  However, his feet kept moving forward.   Curiosity.  Duty.  The need for answers.  He wasn’t sure which was stronger at that moment. 

“No, seriously…you _don’t_!” Skywarp’s tone was desperate as Starscream passed him.  He ignored him. 

He’ll wish he hadn’t. 

Starscream followed the energon trail into the ruins, that sinking feeling in his spark growing by each step.  He was only dimly aware of his wings moving back and down against his back, matching his increased distress at the scene.  Then he turned a corner and his world stopped. 

It was her.  Laying in a pool of nearly dry energon.  Her chassis almost completely grey due to death, only a few spots of her green coloration remained and those were quickly disappearing.  Optics dark and empty.  Her throat was torn open and her vocalizer ripped out.  Most of her limbs were mangled or simply torn off.  Chest torn asunder, showing an empty spark chamber. 

The only thing that wasn’t damaged was her face.  Her sweet, beautiful face he will never…. 

His spark wanted to get closer, to confirm if what he was seeing was real.  To hold her one last time.  His processor was telling him to stay put, to not contaminate the scene any further.  The conflicting desires went on for what felt like several kliks before he finally just screamed 

\-- 

The rest of that cycle…and the next were a blur.  Starscream was in a numb shock, a part of him not wanting to believe she was gone.  That it was all an elaborate, cruel trick.  Unfortunately, that wish was dashed quickly when the medics confirmed her identity via CNA. 

She was gone.  Never coming back. 

He barely comprehended Winglord Zephyr giving him permission to take what time he needed to recuperate from his loss.  Was vaguely aware of his Wingman, Jetfire in particular, guiding him around.  Ensuring he fueled and recharge.  He was numb to it all. 

It was the third cycle after she was found that he started being able to process what was around him and act on his own.  The grim reality that he had things to do finally sinking in.  There were things to cancel…new things to arrange. 

As he walked through the living room, his wings low and posture slouched, his optics spotted a datapad on the table.  Starscream picked up the pad and looked at it, before nearly tossing down again when he saw what it contained.  He only didn’t because it would be useful, if depressingly so…. 

The list they had been using to decide on who to send invitations for a Conjunx Endra ceremony, would instead be used to invite bots they knew to a funeral. 

His Conjunx-to-be…was not to be….

**Author's Note:**

> For those that don't know Latin (or don't want to look it up): 'Non Esse' means 'not to be'
> 
> Headcanon: Caretakers are bots that volunteer to take care of new sparklings that came from the Well of Allsparks (and yes, my Screamer probably would spoil them rotten if he ever volunteers)


End file.
